Relight My Fire

How many firemen does it take to check an alarm?

Three. 

One to look hot, one to remind you which borough you’re in and one to do the job.

Such was my afternoon a few months ago, when my dear housemate insisted we were unsafe in the house.  Our fire alarm had recently reminded us of its existence by screaming…over a wisp of smoke that arose one day from an excited piece of toast.  But not within his earshot, so he arranged for a free check-up care of the fire service.  Amazing.

The visit was booked for 11am and as I was working from home that day, I couldn’t wait to meet my new friend. 

There was no show. 

I had been alerted to the fact that if he did not show up, he had most probably been called to an emergency so when at 12 noon there was still no show, I went for a run.

 

I got back, sat down to lunch and there the bell went a ringing.  On opening the door I saw three very large men, in uniform, crammed on the top step of the porch.  Shocked.  And slightly in awe, I stared at them.  They too seemed shocked.  They were expecting a male.

So in they came, tested the first alarm and it worked.  Embarrassed, I apologised for wasting their time.  They were not perturbed.

Two disappeared upstairs with their big clumping boots for a mere two minutes while the Model Fireman waited.  I think he was their Senior Person.  ‘The Knowledge’ on all things fire, safety and face creams.  We stood there looking at each other whilst he silently surveyed the house, and listened to his two comrades flailing about upstairs.

Then Hackney Fireman arrives in the hall and speaks,

“Listen love we’ve fitted two new fire alarms.”

I think he expected me to faint or something.

He carried on…”Don’t try and change the battery yourself, you’ll have to call us back. You need to tell your landlord that he’s in serious breach of contract here.  If you’ll pardon my French your fire alarm is f**ked.”

During this lecture the Worker Fireman finds a ladder, and goes off to fit another alarm…the reason all 3 are here let us not forget. 

Two of these firemen are now in my kitchen and I don’t quite know what to do.  Two uniformed men in my kitchen, and one upstairs doing work.  Model fireman stands in the corner smouldering. 

Hackney man continues…

“You’re from Northern Ireland?”

 “Um…yes.”  How exactly does this relate to my fire safety at home?

“How long you been here?”

Seriously mate is this part of your fire safety talk?  “Um…8 years”

“8 YEARS”…he screams…”BLOODY ‘ELL, how old ARE you then?”

Stunned I answer.  “29”

“Bloody hell love… you don’t look THAT old!”

Model Fireman remains silent whilst Worker Fireman returns with tales of success of a third fire alarm fitted, and all three take an age to leave the house. 

As I write this the fire alarm squeaks, the squeak of a Fire alarm low on battery.  Except it’s not, it just got fitted.

Lessons learnt:

Fit firemen don’t fit alarms, they observe from afar.